I am allegedly pressing send.

I’ve re-written this newsletter several times over the last few weeks. It looks nothing like it did yesterday because I feel nothing like I did yesterday. But this time, I’m going to press ‘send’.

I think.

So let’s maybe probably get into it:

[waves]

It’s easy to find the right gift for my dad now that he’s dead.
But there are no tears on his birthdays like I expected there to be.
I tell stories of him, as if I’m speaking of a friend who lives in a different part of town.

I treat him as distant, but never gone.
I feel guilty about that sometimes.

But it comes in waves.

Let me be clear:
I am not embarrassed to cry in public.
But this is a lie.

/

This year I visited your grave twice.
I think about how I picked this spot out for you, under a tree.
I hate making big decisions. I was angry at you for leaving this up to me. And for that, amongst other things, I am sorry.

I wonder if you would’ve liked it here in the shade.
I wonder if it even matters
or
if I care because it was the only choice I had in the matter.

/

I stare at a stone.
I check my watch.
I wonder how long a good daughter would stay.

But I don’t talk to you there.

I talk to you when my mind is quiet.
When I meet someone who spells their name like yours.
When I see your features looking back at me in the mirror.

I still tell your stories.
I hang on to them, tight.
As if I fear the thought of you might easily get washed away.

It comes in waves.

No Large Triangles

I wonder how many wars began with wrongful assumptions. Mistakenly imposing meaning onto another’s actions. Wars raged in our homes and kitchens. Battles fought in cars and across dinner tables.

Imaginary battlefields, simply because we cannot live without trying to make sense of things. And often times, the sense we make is made up in our minds.

I think about this video often:

It’s just shapes.
It’s just shapes moving around a 2D plane, yet I am worried for them.
I care for them.

I find myself angry at Large Triangle - a threat! I find myself wishing Large Triangle would just stop and leave the others alone.

And each time that I watch, I impose so much of my own fears and understandings and beliefs about the world onto these life-less shapes. But you did, too, didn’t you?

Now throw real life humans into the mix. How easily we build imaginary battlefields in our minds with the ones we love. And even quicker, with ones we don’t. How quickly we see Large Triangles.

Sure, it’s human nature. We all make assumptions and impose meaning. But some of us are better at assuming the best in others. 

I think it’s why there’s recently been a large wave of support for a guy like Ronald from the show Jury Duty and why he is so comforting and refreshing to watch. If you haven’t seen it yet, I highly recommend. Everyone (but Ronald) is an actor in disguise. 

Regardless of the situations they put Ronald in, he always assumes the best of these arrogant, selfish, and sometimes quirky characters. He is patient. He isn’t quick to judge. For me, Ronald is proof that we can all be better. That we can be more forgiving in how we think of other people’s actions.

Ronald is a bold reminder that just because someone doesn’t agree with us or act like us or look like us, it doesn’t mean we should view them as a Large Triangle.

Sometimes a Large Triangle is just a triangle.
And the threat was imagined, by us, all along.

Channel your inner Ronald.
Until next time. -cd